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| bored with dried up eyes |
| 11.16.09 (11:02 pm) [edit] |
| I'm so bored with what social standards and natural instinct has made my life into.why do i find it so necessary to find a mate in my life.i feel so weak against the female. it's like everything i do is so a female will see that i am stable, healthy, and friendly. then find me a suitable mating material. fuck all this im gonna be a monk. instead of dating ill be meditating and acheiving nirvana. fuck this! |
| 0 Comments |
| it's the truth |
| 11.05.09 (2:50 pm) [edit] |
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| 0 Comments |
| to hell with' em |
| 10.12.09 (10:06 pm) [edit] |
| i am so tired of caring and getting nothing back. It's the same story every time i give a 110% and i get 50% back. Is it wrong to hope for the best and go for it, other than just letting my whole life be mediocre. every girl i go for likes me at first but then doesnt want me. but as soon as she cant have me she is all over me. i am seriously resorting to my old negative ways and day dreaming about watching every person getting their head blown off. Fuck everyone!!! the only people i know with their head on straight is Rusty and Eric but most people think they are fucked... everyone is freaking out about 2012 but i say bring it on. if it is the apocalypse is coming i think it is about time for a large percentage of world to be brutally murdered with blunt objects. the whole fucking human race acts like we are some gift to world. news flash! we are not we are destroying it, and we are not holy beings WE ARE FUCKING ANIMALS. we act like animals too but people are to stuck in their suburban lifestyles with mix drinks an pill cocktails to even notice that their is world out there that doesn't give shit about their outfit much less care if they are savagely murdered. the American concept of the individual is that every one person is important. i disagree. i say no one matters and i hope you all burn alive when you are cuddling on your lazyboy remembering all the wonderful things youve done. EAT SHIT DIE!! FUCK YOU |
| 0 Comments |
| fuck |
| 09.17.09 (2:01 am) [edit] |
| my life would be so much easier if I weren't so passionate about everything. Everyday i sit back and envy a tree or a bug or even fish. They have no recollection of the bullshit. Humans cause so many problems by the way they go about things because of how passionate they are about the simple things in life. I find my self dwelling over things that are not even tangibly real. Such as love, religion, beauty, and hate. All these things do have an effect on our daily lives but do not physically exist except for as a words. peoples actions and reactions of these things exist but other than that there is no physical proof of any these things, but nonetheless they still cause all the problems in my life i cant take it any more. i want to be a tree! |
| 1 Comments |
| im here im ready... |
| 08.23.09 (1:44 am) [edit] |
| I'm constantly being reminded that my heart belongs to her. I opened my doors but only a void stands for sure. I'm alone and independent, but sexually starved and incomplete. I cant become stagnant. This goal is at feet. I'll keep going to movies, though the adjacent is always an empty seat. No tears, no boose, no weed, or loose women can fill that void of her skin on clean linens. "I'm safe here alone" I can say without a doubt though when I am with her I walk with my head up and walk with some clout. Times will get hard and I'll help her health succeed but then where is she in my desperate time of need. She's off doing things that will benefit her, forgetting I'm here, my shape is a blur. I'm strong, who cares. I've made it through worse, being fooled by beauty will always be my curse. my heart strings coil as they snap in the middle. I look for mistakes as if there's a remedy to this riddle. mental health and confidence relies strongly on staying busy. my temper and inpatients makes me out to be a sissy. I'm here, I'm ready, waiting for something steady, but once it's here I'm sure it'll be petty. I walk alone. I walk real far. I ignore my malaise and forget my scars. I'm alive and true and for now it is through, but when my doors are open and that void here is for you. |
| 1 Comments |
| blood line |
| 06.30.09 (9:09 am) [edit] |
| twas the night before class. and whiskey drew near. i drank a good some of it. and lost a few hairs. my board was gone. and a few of my ambitions. my cares were gone. my drive, my inclination. waking up and knowing im fucked. know that now today was going to suck. then resolving the problem by not giving a fuck. pissing off Yager and blaming my luck. it wasn't my shirt and it wasn't my belt. got lost in a stair case. with the consequence to be dealt. i woke up that morning like i was wearing a Kilt. drink hard give em hell. it's the cards i was dealt. |
| 2 Comments |
| to many to choose from |
| 06.24.09 (9:21 am) [edit] |
| the one thing i miss about being in a serious relationship is that i only had to impress one girl. now that i am single there are so many to choose from i am losing my mind. I WANT THEM ALL!! i wish i could be a pimp but to be honest that sounds like way to much drama for me. i don't know. last year i thought i was bisexual but now i wish i was gay because i cant get women off my mind. no matter how much i relieve myself im still a hornball ready to pounce on any hott girl at any second. it's so fucking frustrating i wish i could turn it off for a day and regain my sanity. cuz i have defiantly lost it in the pursuit of women |
| 0 Comments |
| constantly in second place |
| 06.16.09 (9:17 pm) [edit] |
| here i am filed in second. waiting for you. to give up first. someone took it. you remain oblivious . here i am filed in second. waiting for you to just quit one-uping everything i do without me noticing and thinking you deserve it when i got you there firstly. i see envy pouting in the corner telling me sabotage. here i am filed in second. waiting for my diligence to out weigh you ass kissing abilities. here i am excepting it as humility thinking patients is a virtue. i have no choice. i survive in mid field thinking it's truly mine, but truly i'm weak for thinking there is matter in math in this sequence. he says with a sparkle, it's werth the wait/weight..It's the bliss i miss while thinking bliss was a bitch. kiss yourself it's a quicker fix. she says im lost in a cloud she says. what are you saying? |
| 0 Comments |
| mournin an end |
| 06.05.09 (1:58 am) [edit] |
| tonight i lay restless not being able to sleep. mourning a love that i thought to be fake, but it wasnt at all. it was the realest it had ever been. but even now i can see that it was naive as she is. we r just not blendable. my heart tells me that no matter what there will always be love and as long as my heart beats i will love. but the logical side of my situation makes me think that i am filled with lust and i fly around breaking hearts becuz i can. This will continue and my karma will catch up to me leaving me alone and bitter. i fear becoming scum like my aunt donna or a hermet passive agressive god fearing wussy like my aunt peggy, whom of which are both alone and bitter. i fear of becoming a divorced father that settles for some idiot. i fear love, but i chase after daily in the persuit of happiness. truthfully though if i can conquer fear then there is nothing that is holding me back from getting love right. my inner instinct to pair off and coexist until death phhht simply retarded. a weakness with a simply explanation of selective breeding |
| 1 Comments |
| surface |
| 05.17.09 (4:11 am) [edit] |
| i live day by day. on the surface of truth just waiting for enough lies to build up so that it is all that i can see and i have no choice but to deal with it... |
| 1 Comments |
| there is no doubt you thought your inbox out |
| 05.15.09 (7:46 am) [edit] |
| why the fuck cant i do this right, god damnit. If it's not one thing, it's the other. the last one was a disgusting pig that lies and manipulates everything i do. The other, im just a day late and a dollar short on everything. Then there is the one that has been cool sense day one but whenever I'm single she's taken and whenever im taken she's single. not to mention, im afraid of having to emit to hypocracy by doing what i made fun of in high school: The college guy that couldn't find a girl his own age and started looking back at highschoolers as possible dates WHAT THE FUCK I FUCKING HATE KARMA!!!!!!!!! |
| 0 Comments |
| rage |
| 05.03.09 (3:24 am) [edit] |
| tonight i feel man's rage. tonight i'll come to terms with the knowledge that i have dreamt about killing a man. he has invaded my territory. he lies in my bed. the one, i have made for myself. the sheets that my oils and sweat have soaked. my flaws and mistakes that i hold dearest and he lives in them. he is them. the outcome of my troubles sting. it itches and i can no longer scratch it. it bleeds at bad times and simmers in the good. this is why i choose a difference. it feeds off my excess. and baths in my shit. but I'm here and it, not so much. so..... il think about it |
| 0 Comments |
| wtf fml |
| 04.29.09 (9:05 am) [edit] |
| i am encumbered with emotions. I am quite tired of loving to much. i AM quite tired of the games females play with me just to shut me down. i am tired of seeing a hott girl and thinkin "what if she's the one and im just letting her pass me by." I'm tired of french. who am i to give advice. people ask me questions like im leading some golden life of happiness and fortune, when i feel like im in hell everyday. i wish i could be a player. id probably get hurt less. |
| 0 Comments |
| what am i doin.... |
| 04.04.09 (10:28 pm) [edit] |
| there is only so much humility i can take these days. im tired of my self in my place. im tired of evrything right now the only thing i want to do is avoid human contact and thus avoid the drama. im tired of being heart broken. im tired women and men. im tired of friends that feel that they have a right to my stuff becuz they r my friend. im tired of my own ethics and intellect. i want to leave society and join a buddhist colony that is self supporting and no longer apart of society |
| 0 Comments |
| tired...so tired |
| 03.05.09 (8:39 am) [edit] |
| what the fuck am here for. everything is nonsense. where ever i go i see people bulshitting other people just to get what they want. what an unruly pack of dogs the human race is. even worse everyone thinks that they matter but they don't in this world but they dont. the world would probably better without us. its not that i dont like people cuz i love my friends but i hate the human race. |
| 0 Comments |
| a working title |
| 02.07.09 (9:21 am) [edit] |
| I got trapped by a couple of mormons on my front porch yesterday. and the only conclusion I came to is that anyone or anything that thinks that they r the religious right.... is wrong........................what am i suppose to do with an artisic mind. if i dare to call it that. |
| 2 Comments |
| unsuccessful stroke of luck |
| 01.25.09 (8:15 pm) [edit] |
| Hannah's Uncle died this weekend, and the last thing the guy said to me was that he thought that i was a good guy and that success is not far. HE died at 44 and the first day we met he bought me an 8 dollar daiquiri, and i cant help but think how can some one so genuinely nice be in my life so shortly. im afraid that i will never have that affect on people.it becomes very apparent that if there is no literal after life, one could view the simple affect he had on me as a beautiful afterlife. though he should have monitored his health closer, i cant help but feel that it was an act of fate. i mentally feel a taste of him in my conscience, as if i have taken a hard shot of his mannerisms but i have not changed at all. i ruminate on this idea of afterlife and i feel like it isn't someplace where you wear white robes and fly around singing in choirs. its the affects, memories, ideas, knowledge, and charity you've left in your path, and the many other ways one can continue living after their death. i also think to myself i should live everyday as if it is my last and that when i feel the urgency to do something i should do it before i become a pile of dirt.... |
| 0 Comments |
| unsuccessful stroke of luck |
| 01.25.09 (7:54 pm) [edit] |
| 0 Comments |
| are you sold to dying |
| 01.05.09 (7:59 pm) [edit] |
| the older i get the more i understand that most people are afraid of death. the irony of this is that their fear only predicts who they r, and why they do things and how they do them. in a sense they die from there fear |
| 2 Comments |
| turning 21 on the 21st |
| 12.14.08 (8:55 pm) [edit] |
| i just finished school and am on break for xmas. I'm kinda sad becuz i really miss my friends. i miss the trio: pot smoking, longboarding, studded punk rock, drunks. i sometimes rumminate on whether we will hang out with eachother again with out the drama that has developed over the years. the truth is that i kinda hate going home becuz it just always reminds me of how all my home town friends no long are friends. there is never a way i can see them all on break becuz they all hate each other, minus eric but they dont want to be around him becuz his girlfriend is verbally brutal to them. im the only neutral person and i hate it. i am so tired of their petty drama. i just want to smack the fuck out of all of them and tell them to grow up, but who am i to say such a thing when i participated socially in their melladrama. sometimes i even convince myself that had a major hand in the process. realisticly im not afraid to talk about people's flaws, but i only talk about them becuz i can relate to them or dont have the courage to confront them about it. i also believe that they couldnt handle it or they would just get pissed off at me. so i dont, though as time passes i may just do it. it is kinda pretentious to do that to a person, becuz i myself have flaws. i feel like i can openly emit them, but they cant. i wish there was a way for them to all be friendly again..... |
| 1 Comments |
| annual self osbervation |
| 10.28.08 (1:43 am) [edit] |
| honestly as a young punker i had always thought that i would live fast die young, and despite the fact that i am young. i cant help but feel like my exasperation date past 3 years ago. i am living the daily deeds. its hard to call it that seeing as how i am a dancer. which has no relation to a 9-5 job but when i was younger i figured i would be homeless and addicted to heroine... and now i am in college, my friends from high school are having kids and jobs or are going into the military.its really sucks having to emit to my parents in which whom i fought against for a good half of a decade are right about everything even though i feel like i am nothing like them. still they were right. here i am with a girlfreind of almost a year. doing homewrok on my own accord. dressing nicer. trying to make myself look like an intelligent cultured creature, and i know that if i were to meet myself in high school i'd probably kick my ass. im becomeing the thing i hated.but at the same time my drug experience has gone up. and even though im not dressed like a punk people still approach me as one. so mayeb it wasnt the punk rock that made me who i am maybe its just simply me. to me thats a large revalation. cuz now that i dont have a labeled stereotype i have so much more freedom to become something great.... i hope |
| 3 Comments |
| apethetic american psycho |
| 07.28.08 (6:02 am) [edit] |
| a man falls apart in drink of illusions. a girl falls apart in herself. i want to escape a world that i understand. i need to escape meaning. i need to absorb culture into an art form thats unsatisfactory to my ego. an art form that ill suck dry from it's normality. a hope of success. a glimmer of change in other peoples mind. change that glorifies me and others who find acceptance and understanding in it. when is it mine. so many see my light through out all this dark that clouds my features. i thrive off of other people loving me. and people thrive off of me being consumed by it. after they put me on my high place. they will push me off just to watch me fall how do avoid this? |
| 1 Comments |
| conceptual thought (live fast die young) |
| 07.10.08 (2:44 pm) [edit] |
| Live fast die young,though im still young, i find it a hard reckless immature way to live, but a pure way to live.on one side i tell myself the live fast die young mentality is an interesting, confident, adventurerous way to live and on the other side of this argument with my self i tell myself that it is cutting my chances in life to experience everything i can do before i die in half or it is making me dumber and numbing my experience all together which in itself is cutting the experience as a whole in half as well. so i try to look at the bigger picture or maybe look at other people and try to decipher which way they live there life and what i dont like about it. I mostly see some bullshit picture-esk happy go lucky mother fuckers who spend their whole life playing it safe and not growing to the full potential of what they can experience. Then i see some rock bottom post-teenage burnout that does whatever he or she wants, fucks who they can, steals what they can, get mostly what they want and do as many drugs as they can.... i know that some where in there is a safe medium. a state of mind that i can drop other peoples perceptions and live through experiances to its fullest, but still taking into accord what is good for and what is bad for me..... can i still be socially approachable? in that question lies the only concept i have trouble deciphering.who am going to be attracting with my life style and are those people good or bad for me? i dont know..... |
| 0 Comments |
| second wave of homicidal thought |
| 07.02.08 (2:08 am) [edit] |
| lately as i grow more stressed i find that as i daydream (which is most of the day) i find myself ruminating what it would be like to blow someones head off with a shot gun or a hand gun. i just start thinking i hate that person and suddenly i switch to a vigilante. it makes me wonder do other people feel like around 40 they are going to lose it, buy van and a sniper rifle and kill people in Ohio, i don't know... its like im turning into that negative teenager that just wanted to get fucked up and fuck shit up and fuck people over. and get away with it. and back then i usually did, but i think i'll need a marines talent, and i think i may know the right person to help me...the thought occurs to me am i that crazy psycho. am i going to be the next cult leader. am i going to be the next story on CNN news. "performance artist murders 2 fleeing four-H winners with dull spoon, CNN tonight"...is all press really good press? |
| 0 Comments |
| the iminate question to fuck up |
| 06.14.08 (5:25 pm) [edit] |
| i asked myself a question. a question that is going to change who i am and what i do for the rest of my life. and i just asked it. i asked it becuz its that time. i asked my self if im ok with who i am and what im doing with my life which is seamlessly the hardest question i have ever been asked. Am i ok with the person im becoming? the answer i want to say is yes but i dont know if its true. i cant go through life thoughtlessly skimming the surface of what i could be. and the only thing that is holding me back is the knowledge of the answer to that question. this will be the only permanent thing in my life. this isnt a job, or a girlfriend, or my family, or a friend, or a haircut, or a piercing, or a tattoo, or an artform, or a house, or a dog. this is me accepting the person i am and becoming. this is my living with myself for the rest of my life. which ironically has been the problem sense day one. my main down fall. this is the thing that keeps me dancing to music at parties.this is what keeps me from talking to that one girl that i think is way out of my league. this is what keeps me from speaking my voice in public situations. this what what keeps me from asking my mentors abrasive questions. in a way this all comes down to fear and it really is. Fear is one of my most personally issuses. it controls everything i do and everything everyone else does. why is the human race scared of itself. everyone just wants to be liked. to what degree though is dependent on the individual. but everyone does something becuz they are a afraid that in the end they will be alone and wont be loved. is that a bad thing or a good thing i dont know and how do i fit in to that equation and am i ok with it. i dont know |
| 1 Comments |