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| running from the inevitable |
| 01.14.12 (8:34 am) [edit] |
| will i ever be free of depression. I try to live more or differantly but it always turns out to be the same measly existence. day after day wondering when will some NY driver hit this overzealous skater and put him out of his misery. my spirit says fuck everything and live free of boundries and borders the true anarchist outlook, but that leads me to a lonely,short existance filled with suffering and loss, and i already have enough of that.... whats wrong with me when all i wanna do is leave the life I'm happy with. well becuz it doesnt fully satisfy me.nothing is ever enough.im the lost puzzle peice but unfortunately some one threw away the puzzle before putting me where i belong. i feel that i am scum and im afraid nothing will be able to change that. how long until i run out of patience for the world to adjust to my perverted skewed scumbag thought pattern that everyone says is beautiful when i only see a ticking time bomb ready to rot decay inwardly.... drugs never could satisfy me. sex will never satisfy me without stouping to some degenerate level. love will never satisfy me becuz this world forces me to only love one when my heart tells me to love many. I loathe the world around me and i seek only to destroy it or myself. either will do |
| 0 Comments |
| how many licks does it take to uncover my vile insanity |
| 09.07.11 (11:28 pm) [edit] |
| i'm no longer comfortable under my security blanket. i daydream of doing something right with myself but it never happens. everyday i contemplate why i go on living. is it becuz there are people who love me and i would hate to hurt them so. or is it becuz i want to fill my sick perversions before letting go. how long can i hide behind this blanket of honestly and truth. how long can i be good before my inner self shines through and rapes you of your innocence. who am i really. becuz its not who i present myself to be. sex fills my thought like a malignant cancer. tellin me i like things just becuz they are wrong in societies eyes. but it feels so right in my mind's arms. I long tobe worshiped. i long to watch you fear me. fuck it all. eveything i do is in vein. im nice to people just so i can get laid. pussy fucking galore. im not turned on unless she loves me. i speak the words to ease her mind. i speak the words so she will keep going. satisfaction comes in a container of deception. this makes me worthless. I'm a pervert success is a stepping stone to achieve skank. these words are diluted in the word of God. go ahead mask you perversions with a deity. I never thought that you screaming Fagg was a cry for help. you cant point a finger without pointing 3 back at yourself. I am what i hate. Ill hide or die. no choices. |
| 0 Comments |
| only the ignorant think that now was never then |
| 12.26.09 (1:46 am) [edit] |
| fuck....i am a collection of cells. i am borrowed energy. i am nothing. im an educated void of what was once an ignorant being. no longer is this planet a holy anomaly where god created something in his image to be great. humans are leaches. pills of shit that only make more shit. perception is one sided. how many sides are there? well there is enough. enough to know that the stars we gaze at dont even exist anymore and they are too far away to inhabit anyways. by the time you got there any traces your family and friends will have burned up in the sun. you are no less than the dog you feed and you'll probably die the same way. loneliness is your need to reproduce and your inherent perception of reality needing validation that its really there. but once theres someone there to experience with you, you realise their perception is just as skewed as yours and it proves nothing and loneliness continues. loneliness is something instincts and the human conscience has created. it's not real. depression isn't real either. its just something you have made up because you're bored and you don't know what else to feel or how to feel it. this means happiness, being just as much fabricated bullshit as the rest of you're emotions, is just as easily attainable. life is what you make it. I am god. god is everything. god isnt what anyone can tell you it is. god is nothing. i am nothing. there is no life after death, becuase whether your subconscience is still taking in information and your heart is beating or not, life is still happening. the decaying of your body is life itself. you are just as much of a cycle as your digestive tract. you are shit that creates more shit... |
| 0 Comments |
| take it cunt |
| 11.25.09 (9:05 am) [edit] |
| i have had enough with fucking over emotional dancers who think its their place to get into youre personal life. they are all fucking homosexuals that are just pissed off because they are not getting enough dick to keep them distracted so they have to interfere in my love life. fuck you. another thing i hate about these people is that they run around pretending to feel bad about themselves becuz their life sucks so much. when in my current situation, he has had his whole life handed to him and he doesnt even appreciate it. constantly fishing for compliments, looking for some reason not to off himself. but honestly he his making my life hell. i felt bad at first becuz i went through some of that in highschool, but he just seems like a pussy now becuz he threatens to kill himself all the time. why dont you jump of something tall and get it over with other than pretending to drown yourself in the bath tub. and if you survive maybe youll wake the fuck up and realize that the shitty life youre living is awesome. and you were just being a pretentious little cunt whole thinks he deserves some sort of pity. when you should wake up and smell the flowers and enjoy life and stop being a writhing cunt to everyone else by draggin us through your shit too. |
| 6 Comments |
| bored with dried up eyes |
| 11.16.09 (11:02 pm) [edit] |
| I'm so bored with what social standards and natural instinct has made my life into.why do i find it so necessary to find a mate in my life.i feel so weak against the female. it's like everything i do is so a female will see that i am stable, healthy, and friendly. then find me a suitable mating material. fuck all this im gonna be a monk. instead of dating ill be meditating and acheiving nirvana. fuck this! |
| 2 Comments |
| it's the truth |
| 11.05.09 (2:50 pm) [edit] |
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| 0 Comments |
| to hell with' em |
| 10.12.09 (10:06 pm) [edit] |
| i am so tired of caring and getting nothing back. It's the same story every time i give a 110% and i get 50% back. Is it wrong to hope for the best and go for it, other than just letting my whole life be mediocre. every girl i go for likes me at first but then doesnt want me. but as soon as she cant have me she is all over me. i am seriously resorting to my old negative ways and day dreaming about watching every person getting their head blown off. Fuck everyone!!! the only people i know with their head on straight is Rusty and Eric but most people think they are fucked... everyone is freaking out about 2012 but i say bring it on. if it is the apocalypse is coming i think it is about time for a large percentage of world to be brutally murdered with blunt objects. the whole fucking human race acts like we are some gift to world. news flash! we are not we are destroying it, and we are not holy beings WE ARE FUCKING ANIMALS. we act like animals too but people are to stuck in their suburban lifestyles with mix drinks an pill cocktails to even notice that their is world out there that doesn't give shit about their outfit much less care if they are savagely murdered. the American concept of the individual is that every one person is important. i disagree. i say no one matters and i hope you all burn alive when you are cuddling on your lazyboy remembering all the wonderful things youve done. EAT SHIT DIE!! FUCK YOU |
| 0 Comments |
| fuck |
| 09.17.09 (2:01 am) [edit] |
| my life would be so much easier if I weren't so passionate about everything. Everyday i sit back and envy a tree or a bug or even fish. They have no recollection of the bullshit. Humans cause so many problems by the way they go about things because of how passionate they are about the simple things in life. I find my self dwelling over things that are not even tangibly real. Such as love, religion, beauty, and hate. All these things do have an effect on our daily lives but do not physically exist except for as a words. peoples actions and reactions of these things exist but other than that there is no physical proof of any these things, but nonetheless they still cause all the problems in my life i cant take it any more. i want to be a tree! |
| 1 Comments |
| im here im ready... |
| 08.23.09 (1:44 am) [edit] |
| I'm constantly being reminded that my heart belongs to her. I opened my doors but only a void stands for sure. I'm alone and independent, but sexually starved and incomplete. I cant become stagnant. This goal is at feet. I'll keep going to movies, though the adjacent is always an empty seat. No tears, no boose, no weed, or loose women can fill that void of her skin on clean linens. "I'm safe here alone" I can say without a doubt though when I am with her I walk with my head up and walk with some clout. Times will get hard and I'll help her health succeed but then where is she in my desperate time of need. She's off doing things that will benefit her, forgetting I'm here, my shape is a blur. I'm strong, who cares. I've made it through worse, being fooled by beauty will always be my curse. my heart strings coil as they snap in the middle. I look for mistakes as if there's a remedy to this riddle. mental health and confidence relies strongly on staying busy. my temper and inpatients makes me out to be a sissy. I'm here, I'm ready, waiting for something steady, but once it's here I'm sure it'll be petty. I walk alone. I walk real far. I ignore my malaise and forget my scars. I'm alive and true and for now it is through, but when my doors are open and that void here is for you. |
| 1 Comments |
| blood line |
| 06.30.09 (9:09 am) [edit] |
| twas the night before class. and whiskey drew near. i drank a good some of it. and lost a few hairs. my board was gone. and a few of my ambitions. my cares were gone. my drive, my inclination. waking up and knowing im fucked. know that now today was going to suck. then resolving the problem by not giving a fuck. pissing off Yager and blaming my luck. it wasn't my shirt and it wasn't my belt. got lost in a stair case. with the consequence to be dealt. i woke up that morning like i was wearing a Kilt. drink hard give em hell. it's the cards i was dealt. |
| 2 Comments |
| to many to choose from |
| 06.24.09 (9:21 am) [edit] |
| the one thing i miss about being in a serious relationship is that i only had to impress one girl. now that i am single there are so many to choose from i am losing my mind. I WANT THEM ALL!! i wish i could be a pimp but to be honest that sounds like way to much drama for me. i don't know. last year i thought i was bisexual but now i wish i was gay because i cant get women off my mind. no matter how much i relieve myself im still a hornball ready to pounce on any hott girl at any second. it's so fucking frustrating i wish i could turn it off for a day and regain my sanity. cuz i have defiantly lost it in the pursuit of women |
| 0 Comments |
| constantly in second place |
| 06.16.09 (9:17 pm) [edit] |
| here i am filed in second. waiting for you. to give up first. someone took it. you remain oblivious . here i am filed in second. waiting for you to just quit one-uping everything i do without me noticing and thinking you deserve it when i got you there firstly. i see envy pouting in the corner telling me sabotage. here i am filed in second. waiting for my diligence to out weigh you ass kissing abilities. here i am excepting it as humility thinking patients is a virtue. i have no choice. i survive in mid field thinking it's truly mine, but truly i'm weak for thinking there is matter in math in this sequence. he says with a sparkle, it's werth the wait/weight..It's the bliss i miss while thinking bliss was a bitch. kiss yourself it's a quicker fix. she says im lost in a cloud she says. what are you saying? |
| 0 Comments |
| mournin an end |
| 06.05.09 (1:58 am) [edit] |
| tonight i lay restless not being able to sleep. mourning a love that i thought to be fake, but it wasnt at all. it was the realest it had ever been. but even now i can see that it was naive as she is. we r just not blendable. my heart tells me that no matter what there will always be love and as long as my heart beats i will love. but the logical side of my situation makes me think that i am filled with lust and i fly around breaking hearts becuz i can. This will continue and my karma will catch up to me leaving me alone and bitter. i fear becoming scum like my aunt donna or a hermet passive agressive god fearing wussy like my aunt peggy, whom of which are both alone and bitter. i fear of becoming a divorced father that settles for some idiot. i fear love, but i chase after daily in the persuit of happiness. truthfully though if i can conquer fear then there is nothing that is holding me back from getting love right. my inner instinct to pair off and coexist until death phhht simply retarded. a weakness with a simply explanation of selective breeding |
| 1 Comments |
| surface |
| 05.17.09 (4:11 am) [edit] |
| i live day by day. on the surface of truth just waiting for enough lies to build up so that it is all that i can see and i have no choice but to deal with it... |
| 1 Comments |
| there is no doubt you thought your inbox out |
| 05.15.09 (7:46 am) [edit] |
| why the fuck cant i do this right, god damnit. If it's not one thing, it's the other. the last one was a disgusting pig that lies and manipulates everything i do. The other, im just a day late and a dollar short on everything. Then there is the one that has been cool sense day one but whenever I'm single she's taken and whenever im taken she's single. not to mention, im afraid of having to emit to hypocracy by doing what i made fun of in high school: The college guy that couldn't find a girl his own age and started looking back at highschoolers as possible dates WHAT THE FUCK I FUCKING HATE KARMA!!!!!!!!! |
| 0 Comments |
| rage |
| 05.03.09 (3:24 am) [edit] |
| tonight i feel man's rage. tonight i'll come to terms with the knowledge that i have dreamt about killing a man. he has invaded my territory. he lies in my bed. the one, i have made for myself. the sheets that my oils and sweat have soaked. my flaws and mistakes that i hold dearest and he lives in them. he is them. the outcome of my troubles sting. it itches and i can no longer scratch it. it bleeds at bad times and simmers in the good. this is why i choose a difference. it feeds off my excess. and baths in my shit. but I'm here and it, not so much. so..... il think about it |
| 0 Comments |
| wtf fml |
| 04.29.09 (9:05 am) [edit] |
| i am encumbered with emotions. I am quite tired of loving to much. i AM quite tired of the games females play with me just to shut me down. i am tired of seeing a hott girl and thinkin "what if she's the one and im just letting her pass me by." I'm tired of french. who am i to give advice. people ask me questions like im leading some golden life of happiness and fortune, when i feel like im in hell everyday. i wish i could be a player. id probably get hurt less. |
| 0 Comments |
| what am i doin.... |
| 04.04.09 (10:28 pm) [edit] |
| there is only so much humility i can take these days. im tired of my self in my place. im tired of evrything right now the only thing i want to do is avoid human contact and thus avoid the drama. im tired of being heart broken. im tired women and men. im tired of friends that feel that they have a right to my stuff becuz they r my friend. im tired of my own ethics and intellect. i want to leave society and join a buddhist colony that is self supporting and no longer apart of society |
| 0 Comments |
| tired...so tired |
| 03.05.09 (8:39 am) [edit] |
| what the fuck am here for. everything is nonsense. where ever i go i see people bulshitting other people just to get what they want. what an unruly pack of dogs the human race is. even worse everyone thinks that they matter but they don't in this world but they dont. the world would probably better without us. its not that i dont like people cuz i love my friends but i hate the human race. |
| 0 Comments |
| a working title |
| 02.07.09 (9:21 am) [edit] |
| I got trapped by a couple of mormons on my front porch yesterday. and the only conclusion I came to is that anyone or anything that thinks that they r the religious right.... is wrong........................what am i suppose to do with an artisic mind. if i dare to call it that. |
| 2 Comments |
| unsuccessful stroke of luck |
| 01.25.09 (8:15 pm) [edit] |
| Hannah's Uncle died this weekend, and the last thing the guy said to me was that he thought that i was a good guy and that success is not far. HE died at 44 and the first day we met he bought me an 8 dollar daiquiri, and i cant help but think how can some one so genuinely nice be in my life so shortly. im afraid that i will never have that affect on people.it becomes very apparent that if there is no literal after life, one could view the simple affect he had on me as a beautiful afterlife. though he should have monitored his health closer, i cant help but feel that it was an act of fate. i mentally feel a taste of him in my conscience, as if i have taken a hard shot of his mannerisms but i have not changed at all. i ruminate on this idea of afterlife and i feel like it isn't someplace where you wear white robes and fly around singing in choirs. its the affects, memories, ideas, knowledge, and charity you've left in your path, and the many other ways one can continue living after their death. i also think to myself i should live everyday as if it is my last and that when i feel the urgency to do something i should do it before i become a pile of dirt.... |
| 0 Comments |
| unsuccessful stroke of luck |
| 01.25.09 (7:54 pm) [edit] |
| 0 Comments |
| are you sold to dying |
| 01.05.09 (7:59 pm) [edit] |
| the older i get the more i understand that most people are afraid of death. the irony of this is that their fear only predicts who they r, and why they do things and how they do them. in a sense they die from there fear |
| 2 Comments |
| turning 21 on the 21st |
| 12.14.08 (8:55 pm) [edit] |
| i just finished school and am on break for xmas. I'm kinda sad becuz i really miss my friends. i miss the trio: pot smoking, longboarding, studded punk rock, drunks. i sometimes rumminate on whether we will hang out with eachother again with out the drama that has developed over the years. the truth is that i kinda hate going home becuz it just always reminds me of how all my home town friends no long are friends. there is never a way i can see them all on break becuz they all hate each other, minus eric but they dont want to be around him becuz his girlfriend is verbally brutal to them. im the only neutral person and i hate it. i am so tired of their petty drama. i just want to smack the fuck out of all of them and tell them to grow up, but who am i to say such a thing when i participated socially in their melladrama. sometimes i even convince myself that had a major hand in the process. realisticly im not afraid to talk about people's flaws, but i only talk about them becuz i can relate to them or dont have the courage to confront them about it. i also believe that they couldnt handle it or they would just get pissed off at me. so i dont, though as time passes i may just do it. it is kinda pretentious to do that to a person, becuz i myself have flaws. i feel like i can openly emit them, but they cant. i wish there was a way for them to all be friendly again..... |
| 1 Comments |
| annual self osbervation |
| 10.28.08 (1:43 am) [edit] |
| honestly as a young punker i had always thought that i would live fast die young, and despite the fact that i am young. i cant help but feel like my exasperation date past 3 years ago. i am living the daily deeds. its hard to call it that seeing as how i am a dancer. which has no relation to a 9-5 job but when i was younger i figured i would be homeless and addicted to heroine... and now i am in college, my friends from high school are having kids and jobs or are going into the military.its really sucks having to emit to my parents in which whom i fought against for a good half of a decade are right about everything even though i feel like i am nothing like them. still they were right. here i am with a girlfreind of almost a year. doing homewrok on my own accord. dressing nicer. trying to make myself look like an intelligent cultured creature, and i know that if i were to meet myself in high school i'd probably kick my ass. im becomeing the thing i hated.but at the same time my drug experience has gone up. and even though im not dressed like a punk people still approach me as one. so mayeb it wasnt the punk rock that made me who i am maybe its just simply me. to me thats a large revalation. cuz now that i dont have a labeled stereotype i have so much more freedom to become something great.... i hope |
| 3 Comments |